As I was still on the phone with my parents I said, “My car got broken into! What do I do?” Well, of course they suggested that I call the police. So I did. I was a little bit shaken, but okay. Three hours later the police arrived. They swabbed all around my car; they swabbed me (to rule out my DNA, and now my DNA is on file FOREVER!). They also collected a broken screwdriver that was left on the floor of my car. It was kind of exciting to watch them. Very CSI. And I realized that CSI doesn’t quite do it by the books. But that’s to be expected.

So, along with my stereo, the thieves took the FM transmitter I had for my iPod. Thankfully I didn’t have anything else of any value in my car, so there wasn’t anything else for them to take. And my stereo was 7 years old. Not exactly prime pawning material. But oh well.

On Saturday I got my window fixed for a mere $138. Not bad. Now I’m working on getting a stereo for my car. The good thing about this is that I can get a stereo that my iPod will hook directly into, so that’s kind of cool. But it is an unnerving experience to know that someone broke into your car, was in there, and stole from you. I’m just glad my car itself is okay.

One of my friends here wants to move out sometime in the summer, so we’ve been talking about rooming together. This excites me and scares me at the same time. My lease expires in February, but since my friend won’t be ready until at least May, we’ll have to wait until my next lease expires in August. What excites me about rooming with her is the ability to get a bigger apartment and save more money at the same time. I’m working on building up my emergency savings fund (since it got a bit depleted moving here), but I’d be paying less for rent and utilities per month if we roomed together. Plus, we’ve been looking at 3-room apartments with two bathrooms (she’s insisting on her own bathroom which is fine with me), and it would still be less than I’m paying now for my little 1 bed/1 bath apartment. So the possibilities of living somewhere nicer and bigger are definitely eye-catching, plus I can save more money.

And now the part that scares me: rooming with someone. I haven’t done that since college, and since we were in the dorms, I don’t really have any experience with living with someone out in the real world where bills have to be split equitably and paid on time. I trust my friend, but it’s still a thought that crosses my mind because I have no experience with it. The other thing is the selfish self-centered part of me that realizes I’ll have to make some compromises. Even in the best matched pair, compromises are inevitable. Right now, living by myself, I get everything my way. I can put everything exactly where I want it, and it’s still there when I get back.

Yet, I don’t think that the compromising issue should stop me from rooming with someone. I’m going to be honest now and say that I do want to get married in the future, and suffice it to say, I won’t be getting my way all the time. Compromises come with marriage too. Part of me thinks that rooming with someone is a good thing in order to stay away from the selfish and self-centered territory that naturally becomes ingrained in your when you live alone. And I think that having someone in your life who you have to compromise with and negotiate with is a good thing.

So we shall see what comes of this, and in the meantime I will continue pondering it.

If you’ve read Persistent Teacup for a length of time, you realize what an oddity this is for me. For ten years I struggled with depression. I had at least six major depressive periods in my life. In September of 2006 I started taking anti-depressants. Those have made a remarkable difference. I don’t think I could have made this move out here to Arizona if I hadn’t been on them. Major changes in my life, wanted or not, usually lead to significant depression that goes on for many months. But with this move, there has been no depression. Of course, there have been times when I’ve been sad or lonely or disappointed, but I can get out of those moments. I have the ability now to sit with those emotions, but then am able to get up, move on. Before, I didn’t know how to do that. I feel like a safety net has been placed below me, and that I can’t drop that low anymore.

So I moved here to Arizona last August (wow, 5 months ago!), and finally found a new job. I finally achieved a goal I’ve had for at least a year (I find it humorous that it wasn’t on my list of goals for 2007). And not only did I finally find a new job, it has turned out to be one I love. I look forward to my job. I enjoy it and find it interesting. That was definitely an added bonus.

Last week at our staff meeting, we had to answer the question, “What is one thing you’re proud of that happened in the last year?” I answered that, without wanting to sound like a kiss-up, getting this new job is what I’m proud of. It’s been a long road to get here with a ton of struggle self-doubt and worry along the way. And to end up with something I enjoy so much has almost been too good.

Thus, my feeling of contentment, of happiness. It is a feeling that is spread across so many areas of my life right now. It’s so foreign to me, to feel this content. And I don’t know what to do. I’m so used to struggling. I’m so used to the pain that had become a daily companion. I’m so used to always searching. In a way, I feel like I’ve arrived. And it is such a good place to be. But then I think beyond it. What’s next? Where do I go from here? After four of the hardest years of my life, I finally feel content and happy. I don’t know what to do now. It’s an odd conundrum. I’m currently making out my list of goals for 2008; maybe those will give me something to work on. I’m just so unfamiliar with these feelings I have.

In a way, it’s a similar feeling I had after college. For four years I had pushed myself to finish homework, study for tests, go to class, with my eyes on my Bachelor’s degree the whole time. Graduation was so final. I had a feeling of, What do I do now? All the struggle and tears finally culminate in a good thing. And you enjoy that good thing, but you also have this feeling of limbo or lack of direction. You have accomplished that massive goal you had. Now you need something new to focus on.

I guess I’m now figuring out what to focus on. Major trials in my life have had a culmination sweeter than I could have picked out myself. I almost feel guilty for feeling so good. I’m so used to have the struggles and pain. I’m so used to telling myself that struggles are good for you, they make you grow. And now that I’m in a period of life where the struggle is minimal, I feel like I’m not growing. I think I need to ease up on myself a bit. I’m sure God is saying, “Mychal, relax! Enjoy this time.” I know my life won’t always be in this state of contentment and happiness; hard times will come again. Life is cyclical like that. But in the meantime, I guess I’ll learn how to live with this unfamiliar happiness.

One of the stories that she tells is about a time when she had to deliver bad news to a patient. Surrounded by the patient’s wife and daughters, she relayed the bad news that his cancer had returned and tried to walk them through the various choices they had. Finally, at the end one of the daughters asked her what she would do if it was her father. The author/doctor relates that she completely lost it. She started sobbing and couldn’t stop. She felt so much empathy and identified with the family so closely that she couldn’t continue. Through this situation she learned that she had to balance objectivity and empathy. She didn’t want to become calloused and cold, but having so much empathy that she couldn’t proceed with her patients was not a good situation either.

This past week I came across my own version of this situation. I was talking with a client who had lost her daughter and mother, and was grieving their loss. During my conversation with her, I wanted to reach across the table and put my hand on her hand, to comfort her, to say, “I know what that feels like. I’ve been there.” But I didn’t. It was a point where I didn’t know what my role was. I was just supposed to be gathering current information from her, usually a very cut-and-dried process.

But this was new territory. How far do I connect with a person? How deep do I share? How much do I give? I really don’t know. I’m not sure what’s “acceptable”…or if I even want to worry about what is acceptable. But something inside me says that I have to reach out. When I find someone who has gone through a loss like I did, what better way to make that loss worthwhile, to make all that pain mean something, than to reach out and hopefully comfort and connect with someone who is in that loss and pain that I once was. Because if I can’t use that pain in my life to change the pain in someone else’s life, then all that pain remains just that…pain. If I reach out, though, that pain can become so much more, it can morph into something precious and useful. Isn’t that what it should become in my life?

Okay, not quite. I haven’t managed to make any new year’s resolutions goals yet. But one thing I have decided on doing is one of those Project 365 things. Yes, I am going to try to take a picture every day this year. Now, if I was really smart I would’ve done it last year or put it off until next year. Because this year is a Leap Year, thus, Project 366. Dang it.

I have decided to take on this endeavor for two reasons:

1. I want to learn how to take better pictures and they say that practice is a good method of learning. (We’ll see.)
2. I want to use my camera more. I got it for my birthday last April, and I’ve used it quite a bit, and I love it. But I haven’t taken advantage of it like I could’ve, so I figure this goal should get me moving.

And so, yesterday I began my foray into Project 365 366. I took some photos of the ornaments hanging precariously on my Christmas tree. Yes, that’s right. I still have my tree…in the house. And, yes, that’s right, I am waiting for it to spontaneously combust right before my eyes. And since I’ll always have my camera with me because of this project, I will be able to capture the idyllic scene for all posterity. Yes, that’s the way I envision it.

Today, for my second photograph, I took pictures of my pharmacy bill for $142. No, I did not forget a decimal. I have a sinus infection. I’m not sure this is a better scenario than the first diagnosis I got of strep throat. My New Year’s celebrations included a little wine, a little cheese, a few large white spots on my tonsils. Good times like that. I had to call around to four (!!) doctors before I could find one who could see me today. Geez. Four!! So I finally got seen by a doctor, was prescribed some lovely pills, and begrudgingly paid through the nose. And I haven’t even seen yet how much the doctor visit is going to cost. (Do any of these pills knock me out cold? Oh, yes? I’ll take two, please.) I cannot wait until my regular health insurance kicks in in April. Darn this short-term medical insurance.

Now you’re probably thinking that this entry would be nicely spruced up if you could see aforementioned pictures of drooping ornaments and ghastly drug bills. Well, Project 365 is only to take a picture every day. Not get it onto your computer. That is next year’s goal. Gotta leave something for 2009. Man, where are your standards.