Persistent Teacup

For the past month I’ve been experiencing this very odd and foreign feeling. I would describe this feeling as happiness or contentment. Almost every day I have one constant thought cross my mind: Life is so good.

If you’ve read Persistent Teacup for a length of time, you realize what an oddity this is for me. For ten years I struggled with depression. I had at least six major depressive periods in my life. In September of 2006 I started taking anti-depressants. Those have made a remarkable difference. I don’t think I could have made this move out here to Arizona if I hadn’t been on them. Major changes in my life, wanted or not, usually lead to significant depression that goes on for many months. But with this move, there has been no depression. Of course, there have been times when I’ve been sad or lonely or disappointed, but I can get out of those moments. I have the ability now to sit with those emotions, but then am able to get up, move on. Before, I didn’t know how to do that. I feel like a safety net has been placed below me, and that I can’t drop that low anymore.

So I moved here to Arizona last August (wow, 5 months ago!), and finally found a new job. I finally achieved a goal I’ve had for at least a year (I find it humorous that it wasn’t on my list of goals for 2007). And not only did I finally find a new job, it has turned out to be one I love. I look forward to my job. I enjoy it and find it interesting. That was definitely an added bonus.

Last week at our staff meeting, we had to answer the question, “What is one thing you’re proud of that happened in the last year?” I answered that, without wanting to sound like a kiss-up, getting this new job is what I’m proud of. It’s been a long road to get here with a ton of struggle self-doubt and worry along the way. And to end up with something I enjoy so much has almost been too good.

Thus, my feeling of contentment, of happiness. It is a feeling that is spread across so many areas of my life right now. It’s so foreign to me, to feel this content. And I don’t know what to do. I’m so used to struggling. I’m so used to the pain that had become a daily companion. I’m so used to always searching. In a way, I feel like I’ve arrived. And it is such a good place to be. But then I think beyond it. What’s next? Where do I go from here? After four of the hardest years of my life, I finally feel content and happy. I don’t know what to do now. It’s an odd conundrum. I’m currently making out my list of goals for 2008; maybe those will give me something to work on. I’m just so unfamiliar with these feelings I have.

In a way, it’s a similar feeling I had after college. For four years I had pushed myself to finish homework, study for tests, go to class, with my eyes on my Bachelor’s degree the whole time. Graduation was so final. I had a feeling of, What do I do now? All the struggle and tears finally culminate in a good thing. And you enjoy that good thing, but you also have this feeling of limbo or lack of direction. You have accomplished that massive goal you had. Now you need something new to focus on.

I guess I’m now figuring out what to focus on. Major trials in my life have had a culmination sweeter than I could have picked out myself. I almost feel guilty for feeling so good. I’m so used to have the struggles and pain. I’m so used to telling myself that struggles are good for you, they make you grow. And now that I’m in a period of life where the struggle is minimal, I feel like I’m not growing. I think I need to ease up on myself a bit. I’m sure God is saying, “Mychal, relax! Enjoy this time.” I know my life won’t always be in this state of contentment and happiness; hard times will come again. Life is cyclical like that. But in the meantime, I guess I’ll learn how to live with this unfamiliar happiness.